How Do I

Recently I've been sucked in the world of words. I don't think I've really experienced a full-blown epiphany in my whole life but I think the realization of wanting to entrench myself in a thousand, colorful worlds has been the closest I can get to something like that.

You see, I don't really know why but I've been having the hardest time expressing myself verbally. I swear it's like I have these things I want to say but when they escape my mouth it's like they ooze out languorously, and it's deeply saddening sometimes that I have to think about how immersed I used to be in the meaning of my sentences, and not how I deliver them. Because these days I'm definitely too careful about how I can further improve my grammar at the moment and not about how my emotions can bridge to others by just letting them transform into vocabulary. I guess this is what they say about how life changes and how it changes you and how you change over time. I've been noticing things but most of them are external and not a lot of them are very introspective, frankly, and it worries me that I won't ever get back what I could almost always do before -- write passionately, write figuratively, write on my own terms, write because I desire to express. There's a lot of things inside me that I wish I could express but I find it troubling to find any other way than this to release the tumult in me, or, when I'm happy, the sun bursting in my heart, eating me alive with its rays of elation.