WORD, Microsoft

hi. Hello. um, let’s see what I can find here… oh! My full name is rain amber Javier carmona. Ya can call me amber. My birthday is on the 3^rd of December. Uh… I am young, and obviously naïve especially since I got shy and introverted written on my face. I fangirl too much and spazzing plus hyperventilating is my thing especially when it comes to seeing flames pond on youtube… I eat oreos and I hate veggies. I like ice cream and fictional characters. I know myself as socially awkward and far from outgoing cuz that’s what I think people see. I am attracted to nothing but zombies and this Minnesotan boy called owl city. Hah. Have u heard of him? Very dorky. I like to examine pictures of space and galaxies: pretty stuff, ya should know. i wear owl city ballers. Ya know, I own adam young pictures. They’re breathtaking, heh. Um I also like Windsor airlift and port blue cuz they’re this big explosion of coolness. I’m a concertgoer. I enjoy the weekends yet I am pessimistic about what comes next pfffft. Tumblr is awesome. Er I have zombie apocalypse and owl city dreams. Owl city owl city owl city. OMGSH YES. Um, Christmas is near and it’s exciting. No winter here for us. My brothah, adam, who is an alert almost seven year old boy, haz a pet bird named loki. It’s partner, skittles, died months ago. Huhu sad, I tell ya. I uh clearly like listening to music and oh yes singing is a hobby. I enjoy writing so so so very very very much. Not religious, yet I have beliefs like ya do. This is real this is me. um um… um… I believe in fairies. Very peter pan. If I ever get abducted by aliens, its adam young’s fault. Ya need to know that kind of info for the future, peep. Ehhh I’m random. I dislike typos. So if ya a typo, I no likey ya. I cheer on for those fangirls who are jealous of that blond girl adam young is hugging in the teaser of the youtopia by armin van buuren ft. adam young (duh) music video. Can’t wait. Let’s hyperventilate d00d…….. Breanne duren is a sunflower from plants vs zombies, don’t ya know such thing? Cute. Adorbs. Nyanhagnaha. I haz headphones, ya wanna borrow? I don’t think ya wanna borrow that cuz it’s mine grr. I haz a crush on owls. Very relevant, ya must be aware of. My physical reflection scares me. aha, truth brothah. My mom haz this likey for owl city’s beard. It isn’t always present. HAHA too bad for her. I haz two dawgs called vanny and chowder. Vanny is sometimes stupid (ok maybe always) and chowder is happy and fun yeah. I ship kataang from avatar: the last airbender and klaine from glee hihi. Emotional me hihi huhu HIHI huhu…

so tell meh darling d0 ya wIsh wed fall in love ? ?

ol da tyme.

An Escapist's Flight

“Do you miss them?”

The crickets sung with the twinkling of the stars, pushing away any silence left. The cold air gripped on my skin, licked the strands of dry hair away from my eyes. I could feel the ocean under my fingertips, conducting the waves the moon didn’t pull anymore. The ignition of contentment burst through me and dared to tickle the corners of my mouth. I didn’t feel lonely because the violet sky was there. The magic was there. The happiness was there. I could taste the glitter on my tongue so pronouncedly.

“Miss who?” I inhaled a tank of air through my nostrils, savoring the infectious smell of heavenly butterfly wings and wet bamboo, doing my best to remember. I cherished the sound of wind chimes below me, under the roof. The shadows projected on the tress buzzed aloud with the lively lullabies of the night, caring only for the sad, torturous hymns of the faraway lands. I still felt the cold tears screeching down my face. Haunting, fresh, little openings carelessly cut open.

An escapist’s dream come true was the never-ending loneliness a lifetime could bring. Reality wasn’t life for me; it was a trap I recklessly fell in. Lured by the curiosity eating my vision, I tested my survival in the social beings of earthly minds, synchronizing all their bare wants and aspirations. My eyes were red with the cruelty of things unseen. Unseen by society, puzzled and misunderstood and excoriated perhaps.

Nothing will ever be better than an escape for an escapist.

“Friends. Family.” Again, the ocean waves tugged under my toughened fingertips, but like a flame they burned through the horizons I have seen from afar. The days have been submersed for too long and are almost unfamiliar even through the transparency of the water.

It felt like I just woke up.

“No,” I whispered, hugging myself, scratching my sides, “I don’t.”

“Why not?” The thunderous boom quaked and convulsed, stunning my ribs and flicking on the sad electricity in my eyes, whispering all the hundreds of echoes of reminiscence to my eardrums. The shrill feeling of being yanked back into the state I would rather not be in traumatized all I was.

I shouted back, “This is where I belong!” Strong and sure. Nervous, I laughed. Curse nightmares, curse nightmares, curse nightmares, curse…

“Is it, really?” Shivering. “Wake up now.”

“No.” Wails.

“Wake up, sleepyhead.”

“No.” No, no, no. No.

“Awake.”

“No!” Please.

“AWAKE!”

“NO!”

Darkness.

Being a dreamer wasn’t always easy. The dawn of physical consciousness to the reality of “life” was like the breaking of glass at a bank. Unwanted screaming and adrenaline, shock, fear. I missed the beginning of dozing off and the unrealistic pictures of fantasy. It was gone too soon and too fast. Not being connected to home was being dead.

“Wake up.” The nightlight was on, and mother tried to pull me out of bed.

The Dreamer and The Angel

wake up, wake up, wake up


I rub the sparkly dust off of my eyes, stretching myself across the mattress. I could feel the vibration of the bed, and I feel funny.

I open my eyes to the unreal scene before me. This doesn’t look like my room; the walls are painted white, but colored with flashing strobe lights that look like unnatural lightning. I see vines climbing up the tall walls, crawling to cover the ceiling. And now I see monkeys outside from my spot on the bed, through the huge window at one side of the room.

I still feel funny. Everything feels funny. I can even taste something funny. I cough, and out goes blue glitter from my system.

Up above my head, the vines separate, and they give me access to watch the running sky. Blue, indigo, red, purple, black. A star falls on my upper lip. I lick it off. I could taste something like the combination of sweet, sweet caramel and ink-spoiled blood.

I am sitting already when the hospital blanket wraps around me like a fierce snake, hinting to suffocate with a short twist. I’m afraid. Panicking, I struggle with fear as the blanket won’t drop dead, and instead curl around my alarmed body like it was my cocoon. The strobe lights stop flashing. They suddenly bring in the amber glow. I'm dying, so I lie back on my bed… and close my eyes.

Next thing I know when my eyelids get unscrewed is that I’m not at the same place. Fireflies dress me from head to toe in my pajama wear. I scream, but it’s too late. They dissolve into my skin. My scalp, my fingernails, my joints. I collapse to the ground on my knees, gripping the damp grass underneath me. It starts raining, and I shriek as the ice cold drops kiss the back of my neck and trail to my lips, freezing there like they want me to stop emitting noise. I press my palms onto the grass and tear it away from the wet soil. I dig my nails into the ground. I glow.

The glow is a yellow green. And it enters the earth. I think I’m going back to normal, but no. I just keep glowing brighter and brighter along with the world in my eyes. Everything, except for the sky, is now drenched in the color of starlight. It almost looks permanent.

I’m tired, I’m tired, I’m tired. But I’m also being driven by a power that won’t leave me no matter what I want. I cry tears of the evening stars. It’s still pouring.

I don’t know anything else. But I do know that I get sucked into the ground.

God help me. I’m falling, I’m falling, I’m faaAAAAAAAAaaalling. Butterflies try to catch me, but I’m too heavy for their stitched-up wings to carry. The sound of violins and thunderstorms flow into my ears. I let out another high-pitch shriek, feeling my stomach fold into the smallest origami to be ever made. It’s useless flailing my arms towards every direction when there’s nothing to stop gravity as it works.

But then, of course, I stop falling. The unexpected always happens.

Someone is drying my closed eyelids with their smooth hands, carrying me with the softest feathers ever. I whimper when I feel hard cement under me. Safety, does that mean?

I open my eyes. I’m introduced to the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen. So shy. So violet. So bright. So wondrous. Those eyes tell the story of life. And maybe, if I could stare into it more, I could see the future in them. I want to see the future in them. I want to see my future in them.

I’m being too hopeful again. I’m wanting too much again. Because the angel steps back and shoots up to the sky. A few of its milky white feathers leave in its wake. Dreamy. It hurts. It hurts perniciously.

When I wake up, everything is normal. Too normal.

And I wish I was dreaming again instead.

A Look

Hiiiiiiii.

Tomorrow, classes will resume. Today is the last day of my school’s semestral break, and I’m trying hard for it not to let it bring down my spirits. I’m not so optimistic, and I find it hard to enjoy going to school. This also has something to do with my introverted ways because I really prefer being alone most of the time. There are a big number of students in my class. And that fact right there doesn’t brighten up anything.

But I gotta say I’m excited for this week in some other way.

It’s my dad’s birthday this Thursday, November 10^th, 2011. He’s not so old. I got most of my natural craziness from him, which I don’t regret having born with. Cuz I wuz born dis waY!

And, also, this Wednesday, November 9^th, and for other parts of the world (time zone, people): Tuesday, November 8^th, Glee will be airing their third season's fifth episode titled The First Time. It is confirmed that this episode will focus on the relationship of two couples: Finchel and Klaine. This made a majority of the Gleeks go psycho, and I can tell you that you haven’t seen or heard anything yet till you create a Tumblr account and follow Finchel/Klaine shippers. We, shippers, are rabid dogs. We are avid.

I can’t say much about Finchel because they’re just like any other fictional, heterosexual pair in the world. What’s got me shrieking on the inside is, of course, Klaine. I, an introverted, quiet teen, ship two openly gay characters together. I don’t ship them because I’m gay (I’m not. And I think it’s too early to find out if I am.). I also don’t ship them because it’s what’s everyone is AJSKADHDKJUEHQAS-ing about. I ship them because they’re happy, besides the fact that they’re adorable…

And don’t you know that this episode is also a step towards acceptance? Homosexuals aren’t accepted in society because of WHO THEY ARE and WHO THEY LOVE. I can tell you my point of view. I don’t think it’s immoral to love who you truly do. Okay – what if your religion doesn’t approve of any of it? This isn’t about your religion. You don’t need to support them or even think they’re right if you don’t want to. Just please don’t voice your opinions because they can hurt people. Nobody is forcing you to fight.

I can’t really fight. But I want to support and defend. The reason why The First Time is a big step to acceptance because it will feature two couples. One is straight, and the other is obviously gay. Both pairs are so in love that they want to go all the way. And they’re probably going to do it in the same episode. I look at this as an opportunity for the world – humans – to see that a man can love a man, and it’s the same with women. Homosexuals can love like heterosexuals can.

It’s simple to accept it that way, and see the world through someone else’s perspective. I know that the world has many distinct principles. I respect that, but I plead you not to judge others like you’re the most exalted being to ever live.
Here's a question: Why even bother to join in the world's problems? I'm juvenile. And ridiculously little. I'm a naif. But maybe, possibly, miraculously, I could somehow change the world around me.
Through a blog.

Please, wherever you are, step with us as we try to recruit others to accept.

The Magic of Owl City

Hi.

Last Wednesday, October 26, 2011, my father and I had attended a concert. And not just any concert. An Owl City concert.

It’s the All Things Bright and Beautiful Tour, baby.

Of course, I was pretty much stoked about the whole thing. I was going to watch Adam Young perform. And not to mention the beautiful band members (for the tour). We were already lined up when a woman started shouting out questions about Adam, and whoever answered them correctly would get a backstage pass. Now, guess what. I didn’t get a backstage pass. Seriously. I began to feel depressed about it as the line moved slowly. I almost freaking met Adam. It’s one of the reasons why I have Post Concert Depression right now.

Well, so, we entered the tent after several minutes. My father and I were able to stand at the left side of the stage, right in front. Two boys beside me (who were younger than me) were talking on about meeting Adam and getting him to sign stuff like a poster and their copy of the ATBAB album. I was vexed at myself by the time they were boasting about it to this girl (who I thought was also younger than me, but my father said she was older and just shorter), showing her their stuff-signed-by-Adam-Young stuff. I couldn’t help but be so envious about the fact that they had met him.

Eventually, the concert had officially started. I can’t express how magnificent it was. Adam started drumming, and Breanne Düren was basically in front of us. And, shoot, the lights! They flashed everywhere. I jumped almost the whole time, and flailed my arms everywhere. The people on stage were so alive and energetic that you could feel pangs of their energy bouncing off to you. I didn’t care that my eardrums felt like they were shattering and that my feet were aching from all the standing. I loved it when Adam would interact with the crowd. All were enjoying.

At the end, Adam sang If My Heart Was a House.

And everything felt perfect. I had tears streaming down my cheeks right when he sang the first line. Owl City has this positive impact on your life. If you have depression, I recommend you listen to Owl City. It’s a home. When no one is there, Owl City will most likely be. Life is a rollercoaster, true. Owl City is what keeps me hanging on. I wish Adam knew that he was my best friend.

Amber

Exposure to The World

I’ve missed blogging. I wasn’t in any reach of superb inspiration until it hit me right in the face this morning while watching a few episodes of Glee Season 2.

Watching TV.

Teenagers, like me, actually have access to the media. We’ve got the Internet, television, film. Whether parents or guardians realize it or not, we are exposed to what we stumble upon while surfing the Web, or switching from channel to channel. We are able to catch and get information from the media without us really expecting to. And who brought in the Wi-Fi in the house? Our parents, or someone older than us, of course. They don’t want us to learn about things or get into other people’s cultures. But who stopped us from watching our favorite TV shows?

Yesterday, I and Caleb* somehow leaped into a conversation about rallies. And homosexuality. I had told him that one day I’d like to join at least one rally for the rights of people – gay people. Caleb shook his head at the idea. He said that “homosexual people are abominations. They aren’t accepted by society because God created Adam and Eve. Not Adam and Eve and gay.” I’m completely heterosexual, but hearing this from Caleb hurt. Are we even Christians anymore? Who still goes to Church among us? Who?

But let’s go back to the real subject here. This morning, I encountered Caleb again while focusing on the TV in front of me. He was watching a few scenes of an episode from Glee Season 2 with me while he was having a mad conversation on the phone with someone. I was aware that he had seen Brittany carrying Artie to a bed, and Karofsky forcefully kissing Kurt. The first thing he said as he ended the convo and put down the phone was something like this: “I don’t like you watching that show. That’s American culture. That show showcases sex, and gay....” I confess I wasn’t paying too much attention to what he was saying, but some short sentences like the ones previously said stuck to me.

Culture does get passed on. I’m not American, and I know little about American culture. But this isn’t about anyone’s culture. This is about a TV show showing their viewers about sex and homosexuality. TV shows aren’t the only things in media that expose these “mature content” to young people. This kind of media is everywhere: the mall, the local playground, the neighborhood, and even school. There are songs about sex. Other teens even joke about sex. Gay people are coming out anywhere. And how can you prevent your teenager from hearing or seeing these?

Sometimes, your kid knows more than you think they do.

* Caleb is a pseudonym.

Wake Me If You're Out There

Life. It brings a lot to us. I sometimes worry that when I die, my grandchildren would just forget about me. After a day or a week of tears, memories are long forgotten and my name wouldn’t be mentioned at all. I could sometimes be a worrier. I was never an optimist. But I won’t ever let myself be categorized as a pessimist. But I like to think about the future at times. And maybe what life could be to me if technology wasn’t everywhere and I was older and more adventurous.

“I imagine living in a red, broken house, positioned near the seashore of an abandoned island. The stars cry to me their secrets and sing me lullabies I have never heard before. The waves are calm and the wooden floor beneath me is connected by rusty, old nails. But I know they won’t betray me because we’ve been best friends for soooo long. The seagulls passing by tell me stories and their names. I’ve kept a list of names: Ruby, Angel, Morpheus, Whimper, Boom, and Box. They’re heading for the south and had promised me they’ll visit me again someday. Soon, they have sworn to me.”

I have no fireplace. I only have my little sailboat and this house. The weather is fickle. I sleep on the roof of my house, only at night. I stargaze and greet my friends. They twinkle and silhouette me, asking me questions high school friends enjoy asking. My skin is sun-kissed and my feet are shoeless. My knees are black and blue because I keep tripping and landing on the ground because of my reckless clumsiness. I wish I were an astronaut, looking at planet Earth from a spacecraft’s window, paralyzed from watching angels dance amongst the stars and leap from the moon to Earth, like shooting stars. My frivolous thoughts are vividly imprinted on the sand of the shore. I dance and twirl in the moonlight in my sundress, shivering as the coastal winds whip my hair around my face. I make music through coconut shells and my own rough hands. The tidal waves have turned deadly but I don’t move away; I dive in. The friendly sea creatures blow me bubbles and I can’t help but giggle underwater.”

I wish that was my life. Oh don’t get me wrong, I love my life. But having a life that doesn’t exist would be quite whimsical and just exhilarating.

The Last Airbender: Legend of Korra Trailer

This World

For five tiring days in a week, I am surrounded by people who are my age or younger or older. To my right when I’m in sitting position is a noisy, new student who thinks he’s so bad. To my left is a comedian, making the class laugh and cough. We’re either forty or forty-one in St. Aloysius. There are foreigners: white skin, different language that tempts you to make fun of them and thick accent that makes you stare stupidly and say: “What?”

Starting high school is scary and I want to hide and bathe in Oreo-covered butterflies. But, of course, I cannot. There are limited things you can do in the real world. An inspiration who is namely Owl City (OWL CITY IS ADAM YOUNG) has sung: “Reality is a lovely place but I wouldn’t want to live there.”

Reality is crazy and true and happy and sad and is a silly rollercoaster, sometimes slow and sometimes fast, makes you hurl. I, as an introvert who spends some of her time (or most of her time) being quiet and daydreaming, would rather be alone. I may look like this young, naïve, big girl because that’s what my outside appearance tells you but I feel like Adam Randal Young: shy, quiet, introverted in so many levels and lonely. I have realized that I am starting to relate to Mr. Owl City’s songs more than the known enchantress a.k.a. Taylor Swift’s songs. Is that a good or bad thing?

I’ve been a Swifty longer than I’ve been a Hoot Owl. But I’ve learned that it doesn’t matter if you’ve been there from the beginning, it matters if you’ll be there until the end. But I would never want their music to stop playing. They say: All good things come to an end. Aye?

I love fantasy. The world I imagine inside my head looks prettier than dump sites and seemingly endless bombings.

Life is quite surreal.

It’s a mystery and I don’t know a lot of things but I do know that this is life.

Owl City makes me happy. All Things Bright and Beautiful is too out of this world to be able to be described in words. His songs have meanings behind their lyrics. I highly recommend listening to Owl City. Happy drugs.

I’m simply papier-mâché, delicately pulled into this world along with water, glue and newspapers.

Being mainstream means fitting in and going with the flow (or, being more specific with my words, crowd). I chose to sit and watch and dream. It isn’t easy because sooner or later you’ll get pulled out of your reverie and get forced to read thick textbooks you despise with all your being. You sit in a closed room with twenty plus kids you have to get to know. You make your ears listen to the sentences that are coming from the teacher’s always moving mouth because you don’t want to fail quizzes and tests because your parents pay for your education. You raise your hand repeatedly to answer questions about technology and the Philippine archipelago so that you won’t have to see writings on your future report card saying you have low grades and you need improvement.

We talk tongue twisters and malnutrition but do we ever get to perfectly keep them in our tightly screwed minds? We tend to forget the things said in a discussion after the discussion. We only get to remember bits by tiny bits of integers and the talking dog when we’re 40 year olds. They’ll remain bits. Just bits. Unless we attend high school again when we’re starting to grow gray hair.

I’ll let myself learn but sitting and staring and making yourself look like you understand everything in this world is starting to get more boring and more boring. I bet after a hundred years, school hours = 0 hours. Just 20 minutes. Let’s hope for planet Earth’s future.

#EqualityForAll

Document One

7:09 PM

It’s dark outside and my fat, brunette head is missing. The voice of Adam Young is filling my ears, creeping around my brain’s shape.

This picnic will soon depart.

I read “Wintergirls” by Laurie Halse Anderson minutes ago. I’m sitting in front of an old laptop. Trend Micro Internet Security has expired. I’m lazy.

7:14 PM

I just replayed “Dreams Don’t Turn to Dust” seconds ago. A lot of things are on my mind.

I don’t wanna leave without you.

My emotions are neutral. I love the sound synthesizers make. I adore fanfiction.net. I want to fly. Music understands air.

7:17 PM

I’m listening to Lights’ “The Listening”. I’m on Facebook and Tumblr. A friend named Abigail has sent me a message. Ooh.

I need to convey.

I’m nervous. About classes. It sucks.

7:19 PM

Can I let the sky feel what’s missing, yeah?

I’m thinking about way too skinny girls. I wish I could hug them. I’m looking at my insufferable brother’s orange backpack.

7:20 PM

Now Playing: “Quiet” by Lights.

This song oddly tells me a story. It’s a story about a king who is also a very intelligent scientist. He can’t find the perfect wife so he invented a robot which he put in the position. He doesn’t know that she actually does have a soul and loves him. She is quiet. She is still but she sometimes gets crazy. Robot crazy. Love.

7:23 PM

“Reblog if you think every girl deserves to be told she’s beautiful.”

NP: “Face Up” by Lights. I love this song.

The sun is always gonna rise up. You need to get up.

Copy Paste. Copy Paste. It’s easy.

7:25 PM

Gotta keep your head up.

“Wintergirls” by Laurie Halse Anderson is inspiring. I highly recommend it. Lia. Cassie.

7:27 PM

Still listening to music. I love music. But I suck at it at school. Crap.

I saw a bear in the den.

The curtains are orange and yellow and sunshine. Typing feels like concrete. Lovely.

The TV is always on. That’s how I see it. I think of glasz eyes.

7:30 PM

Cuz I don’t feel dead anymore.

Bears are cute, aren’t they? I’m not typing down about Justin Bieber. I’m not.

Buffet.

7:32 PM

Downy feathers kiss your face and flutter everywhere.

Owl City songs relate to me so much.

The wildfires look so pretty.

I want to roll down a green hill. You do, too, right?

They’ll freeze and burn where fire and ice collide.

If we dissolve without a trace, will the real world even care?

My dad just asked me question.

7:35 PM

Let’s dance in the moonlight.